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I got a call today from my case worker. She told me they are still working hard to get my pre authorization for in patient care. In the mean time she wanted me to contact someone through their organization working through their outpatient eating disorder facility. So she gave me her phone number and I called her. She didn't answer the first time so I left a message. I waited about an hour or so and called her back because I really wanted to get the ball rolling. She proceeded to explain to me that I would need to go four days a week to the outpatient facility which is in the next city over, about a 30 minute car drive which would be fine had I a car, but I dont, so it will be a 2 and a half hour bus drive for me. So I became a bit concerned at that point and explained it would be rough on me to get out there. Then I said "Nevermind Ill find a way, I dont want you to think im non-committal, im very committed." She said not to worry and set my assessment appointment for this friday. This thursday I have a doctors appointment to check on my heart and get my bloodwork done.
I will have to go stay with some friends in the next city over so that I do not have to make such a far commute twice a day. This will help me to be less stressed out plus it will get me out and away from my husband which will be very healthy for me right now.
Plus I get to see some friends I haven't seen in years.
On the other hand I have been struggling with my eating continually. I have so much food readily available yet I struggle to finish the smallest portions. I never finish my food. I am actually scared right now that If I try too hard to eat and gain any weight that they wont put me in patient and then I wont get the real help I need. I have been thinking I should not eat at all to make sure my weight is as low as it can be, and my electrolytes will be way off. My electrolytes are probably already way off. When I was at my original assessment she weighed me because I asked her to, and I was 99 pounds, and she seemed disturbed by it. Naturally, it is disturbing. Im 5'9 with a bmi of 14.6. Basically I am in the 2nd percentile. To understand what this means, if you are at 50th percentile then you are at an average weight, if you are at 90th percentile then you are heavier than 90 percent of people, if you are at 20th percentile then 80 percent of people are heavier than you. I am in the 2nd percentile. Imagine this for a second. I hurt all the time, it even hurts to lay on a comfy mattress if i have any textures or clothes on. Anything that can press into my skin, causes pain. I am bruised in many places because of this. I cannot sit comfortably. I cannot sleep comfortably. I cannot do anything without hurting myself at least a little. I have gotten used to having cuts and bruises everywhere. Also i am getting infections in some of the cuts because my immune system is failing.
Im afraid of what my friends will say when they see me. They haven't seen me in years and they dont realize how small I am right now. I think it may horrify them.
I have to deal with the fact that I want to leave my husband. I realize i have made my decision and i plan to stick to it. Right now at this point, my husband is in such a bad place that I dont want to go back to the divorce conversations. We have had them out for months, and the only thing that made us feel close at all was when leelu died. But despite the odd bonding over the loss of my kitten, i still felt so distant from him, and alone. I did not feel like it mattered over all, and it didn't really change anything. He seemed so desperate to reconnect with me, but I was a million miles away.
The pain of everything was unbearable and for awhile there I was drinking to avoid thinking about many things especially the fact that I have to be responsible for breaking his heart.
There is no way around breaking his heart and I cannot take responsibility for how he copes with his pain, it is not my responsibility to feel guilty, I must forgive myself for needing to live with out him. I must forgive myself for changing my mind about wanting to be with him forever. I must accept that people change. I must let go of the resentment because it doesn't help anything. I must grow strong and independent so i can handle the separation. I must embrace the truth of that with every ending is a new beginning. This is terrifying to me, but I must accept that this is what I truly want because my heart has screamed my truth for so long and I am done ignoring it.
I do not have to settle, I do not have to accept living a life that makes me unhappy. I am not obligated to stay with someone who i can no longer envision my future with. I do not have to feel guilty and must forgive myself for deciding to do what is best for me.
This decision has been the hardest of my life, and i realize now that i have been giving up on my own life in an attempt to avoid what i perceived as the greatest possible pain. But now I realize, I have been living the greatest possible pain, by living a lie. By trying to force what isn't natural for me, by sacrificing who I am to be with someone I am not compatible with because I thought I needed them. I lived in so much pain, because in order to be with this person I had to silence my inner voice, and learn to believe the lies I was told about myself. I let this person make me believe i was less capable than I was, i believed his convoluted perception of me was true, and because i didn't want to face the pain of leaving him, I stayed, because i hated myself, I stayed, because i didn't want to embrace life, I stayed.
Well now I want to embrace life, now I want to live well, and strong and happy and independent. I picture my future, and i am able to live strong without anyone to help me stand on my own two feet. I picture the future and I am free. I am surrounded by people who love me for me. I do not have anyone trying to drag me down into their quagmire of shit. I am unaffected by those who chose to embrace negativity.
I am Deanna, the all new and ready Deanna, who will do whatever she sets her mind to. No one will get in my way, and nothing will stop me. I will show this world and myself what I am made of, I will take my happiness back.
I will not waste any more time. I will be so very fucking bold and strong and brave now. I have to end up telling my husband as soon as I am strong enough, and feel the time is appropriate, that i do not plan on moving back into this apartment once i am done with my in patient care. This will be devastating for him. I would talk to him now but he is not acting rational at all, and if i were to break it to him now, he wouldn't be able to proceed with his job hunting. I hope for him to find a job and get used to being apart from me so that he can see how much better off he is when we are apart. Then when i come out of inpatient having received therapy for codependency as well, i will be able and ready to tell him with finality that I do not want to be married to him. Then i will have to file for divorce, bankruptcy and a name change.
Fun.
I am going to make my life my own again, and I will not let anyone hold me back from this anymore. I wasted 10 years to many already...no fucking more. My life is my own and im getting angry about how much time ive wasted, im going to use this anger to motivate me.
I will have to go stay with some friends in the next city over so that I do not have to make such a far commute twice a day. This will help me to be less stressed out plus it will get me out and away from my husband which will be very healthy for me right now.
Plus I get to see some friends I haven't seen in years.
On the other hand I have been struggling with my eating continually. I have so much food readily available yet I struggle to finish the smallest portions. I never finish my food. I am actually scared right now that If I try too hard to eat and gain any weight that they wont put me in patient and then I wont get the real help I need. I have been thinking I should not eat at all to make sure my weight is as low as it can be, and my electrolytes will be way off. My electrolytes are probably already way off. When I was at my original assessment she weighed me because I asked her to, and I was 99 pounds, and she seemed disturbed by it. Naturally, it is disturbing. Im 5'9 with a bmi of 14.6. Basically I am in the 2nd percentile. To understand what this means, if you are at 50th percentile then you are at an average weight, if you are at 90th percentile then you are heavier than 90 percent of people, if you are at 20th percentile then 80 percent of people are heavier than you. I am in the 2nd percentile. Imagine this for a second. I hurt all the time, it even hurts to lay on a comfy mattress if i have any textures or clothes on. Anything that can press into my skin, causes pain. I am bruised in many places because of this. I cannot sit comfortably. I cannot sleep comfortably. I cannot do anything without hurting myself at least a little. I have gotten used to having cuts and bruises everywhere. Also i am getting infections in some of the cuts because my immune system is failing.
Im afraid of what my friends will say when they see me. They haven't seen me in years and they dont realize how small I am right now. I think it may horrify them.
I have to deal with the fact that I want to leave my husband. I realize i have made my decision and i plan to stick to it. Right now at this point, my husband is in such a bad place that I dont want to go back to the divorce conversations. We have had them out for months, and the only thing that made us feel close at all was when leelu died. But despite the odd bonding over the loss of my kitten, i still felt so distant from him, and alone. I did not feel like it mattered over all, and it didn't really change anything. He seemed so desperate to reconnect with me, but I was a million miles away.
The pain of everything was unbearable and for awhile there I was drinking to avoid thinking about many things especially the fact that I have to be responsible for breaking his heart.
There is no way around breaking his heart and I cannot take responsibility for how he copes with his pain, it is not my responsibility to feel guilty, I must forgive myself for needing to live with out him. I must forgive myself for changing my mind about wanting to be with him forever. I must accept that people change. I must let go of the resentment because it doesn't help anything. I must grow strong and independent so i can handle the separation. I must embrace the truth of that with every ending is a new beginning. This is terrifying to me, but I must accept that this is what I truly want because my heart has screamed my truth for so long and I am done ignoring it.
I do not have to settle, I do not have to accept living a life that makes me unhappy. I am not obligated to stay with someone who i can no longer envision my future with. I do not have to feel guilty and must forgive myself for deciding to do what is best for me.
This decision has been the hardest of my life, and i realize now that i have been giving up on my own life in an attempt to avoid what i perceived as the greatest possible pain. But now I realize, I have been living the greatest possible pain, by living a lie. By trying to force what isn't natural for me, by sacrificing who I am to be with someone I am not compatible with because I thought I needed them. I lived in so much pain, because in order to be with this person I had to silence my inner voice, and learn to believe the lies I was told about myself. I let this person make me believe i was less capable than I was, i believed his convoluted perception of me was true, and because i didn't want to face the pain of leaving him, I stayed, because i hated myself, I stayed, because i didn't want to embrace life, I stayed.
Well now I want to embrace life, now I want to live well, and strong and happy and independent. I picture my future, and i am able to live strong without anyone to help me stand on my own two feet. I picture the future and I am free. I am surrounded by people who love me for me. I do not have anyone trying to drag me down into their quagmire of shit. I am unaffected by those who chose to embrace negativity.
I am Deanna, the all new and ready Deanna, who will do whatever she sets her mind to. No one will get in my way, and nothing will stop me. I will show this world and myself what I am made of, I will take my happiness back.
I will not waste any more time. I will be so very fucking bold and strong and brave now. I have to end up telling my husband as soon as I am strong enough, and feel the time is appropriate, that i do not plan on moving back into this apartment once i am done with my in patient care. This will be devastating for him. I would talk to him now but he is not acting rational at all, and if i were to break it to him now, he wouldn't be able to proceed with his job hunting. I hope for him to find a job and get used to being apart from me so that he can see how much better off he is when we are apart. Then when i come out of inpatient having received therapy for codependency as well, i will be able and ready to tell him with finality that I do not want to be married to him. Then i will have to file for divorce, bankruptcy and a name change.
Fun.
I am going to make my life my own again, and I will not let anyone hold me back from this anymore. I wasted 10 years to many already...no fucking more. My life is my own and im getting angry about how much time ive wasted, im going to use this anger to motivate me.
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