When im scared I lash out the worst.

I appreciate everyone's support.  Im just scared and lost.  Im doing my best.  I feel stuck. Ive never been this low on the weight scale and never had so many recurring destructive/suicidal thoughts.  Not this badly at least.  I feel like sometimes I suck myself into a lull because I am unable to cope with reality. So much going on that I cannot handle.  Even my marriage. Im just beyond overwhelmed and my body is breaking down in the process.

Im always cold, my heart palpitates I cant walk to the soda machine right outside my house without my heart racing.  Its all very scary and at the same time i feel like im close to my original goal and start spiraling into secrecy as I head to the closest possible resolution...at least it seems that way when help seems unattainable.

I hope I can still find a way to get the care I need it just all seems impossible right now.  The "insurance" plan I have is actually a discount reimbursement plan and I cannot afford anything right now. I still do not know how i can find any kind of scholarship for care. I would be so receptive to inpatient care.  I need someone to watch me and help me and hold me accountable and no one around me can do that.  So long as that is the case I know I will continue self destructing feeling like no one cares enough to stop me because that was my original trigger with my biological mother when I began my eating disordered life.

At least I have my kitten and my family even if they dont understand me and dont know how to help me.

Much love to you all

Deanna