Thursday, September 8, 2011

To date ive gained 27 pounds!!!

Well folks, i am not in the treatment facility and haven't been for awhile due to uncontrollable circumstances, however regardless i have embraced my recovery will sheer will power and knowledge of nutrition.  I do better when I eat with someone else who cares about me and understands what i am going through but thats not always possible.  I eat every meal and snack without fail.  Some days are harder than others, but i am so excited to say that my weight gain is steady and i now weigh 27 more pounds than i did when I started.  I was at a frighteningly low weight to begin with but im doing so much better now, and loving it!


Here are some pics of me now :)







Monday, August 1, 2011

Before recovery, and during recovery, more to come :)

First day of recovery
One week into recovery

Two or so weeks into recovery
I love food, i love life, i am so ecstatic to be me now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I am so empowered

Im recovering and im never going back to my old habits.

I am empowered and will never play the victim again

I am capable, beautiful, and happier and healthier everyday

I love fooooooood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love every day since i began to recover

I am sober

I have support

I am loved

I am fully able to do anything i have ever wanted, and morever I am doing it!

I am my own hero...will you be yours?

I leave victimization in my past, and leap headfirst and headstrong into my amazing independant healthy future.

Im going to take over the world.

I hope you are all doing well.

D

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Im so Proud of me. INPATIENT TREATMENT!!!

I am currently in a residential treatment center for eating disorders.  I am working as hard as I can.  I dont really have the time to give a full update but believe you me....Im gonna get better now.

Im so excited, nothing NOTHING NOTHING!!!! Will stop me now.

I am so strong now.

Here is a quote to illustrate how I am doing.

You cannot be courageous unless you are afraid...without fear, there can be no courage.


So you see, though i may be scared in some ways, at the same time the important part is that im doing it.  IM DOING IT DO YOU HEAR ME?!!!!

IM getting better.  NO more negativity, no giving up, no passive aggressive behaviours, just honesty, hard work, and shortly....results.

Thank you all for being there with me on this long road to recovery but now I am recovering.

If nothing else as I inspire myself maybe others will face their fears and go head on into their recovery.  Recover for you and no one else.  Remember what you are all capable of...and never forget

If you are afraid, that is ok, so long as you do not fear govern your actions.  You can be your own hero....

I know I am my own hero now.  Im so proud of me.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Time for me

Though i am nervous about what is to come I am also excited.  I have so many things to look forward to with the changes I am making.  I cant wait to see what my life may hold.

I imagine myself, strong and healthy and happy.  I am smiling and excited, and I love life.  I have fun every chance I can.  I laugh and make others laugh. I am in love with someone amazing who adores me reciprocally and I am elated with so many aspects of my life.  The things that challenge me are not daunting.  I am a whole new person.

I am so excited to become the person I am envisioning.  If life could be this full of happiness and joy then it would be worth living.

fuck all the things that have held me back. Fuck fear in its stupid fucking ass.

Fuck holding back, and fuck making decisions based on others rather than myself.

Time for me.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Update: Outpatient, staying with friends, separation, and new life.

I got a call today from my case worker.  She told me they are still working hard to get my pre authorization for in patient care.  In the mean time she wanted me to contact someone through their organization working through their outpatient eating disorder facility.  So she gave me her phone number and I called her.  She didn't answer the first time so I left a message.  I waited about an hour or so and called her back because I really wanted to get the ball rolling.  She proceeded to explain to me that I would need to go four days a week to the outpatient facility which is in the next city over, about a 30 minute car drive which would be fine had I a car, but I dont, so it will be a 2 and a half hour bus drive for me.  So I became a bit concerned at that point and explained it would be rough on me to get out there.  Then I said "Nevermind Ill find a way, I dont want you to think im non-committal, im very committed."  She said not to worry and set my assessment appointment for this friday.  This thursday I have a doctors appointment to check on my heart and get my bloodwork done. 

I will have to go stay with some friends in the next city over so that I do not have to make such a far commute twice a day.  This will help me to be less stressed out plus it will get me out and away from my husband which will be very healthy for me right now.

Plus I get to see some friends I haven't seen in years. 

On the other hand I have been struggling with my eating continually.  I have so much food readily available yet I struggle to finish the smallest portions.  I never finish my food.  I am actually scared right now that If I try too hard to eat and gain any weight that they wont put me in patient and then I wont get the real help I need.  I have been thinking I should not eat at all to make sure my weight is as low as it can be, and my electrolytes will be way off.  My electrolytes are probably already way off.  When I was at my original assessment she weighed me because I asked her to, and I was 99 pounds, and she seemed disturbed by it.  Naturally, it is disturbing.  Im 5'9 with a bmi of 14.6.  Basically I am in the 2nd percentile.  To understand what this means, if you are at 50th percentile then you are at an average weight, if you are at 90th percentile then you are heavier than 90 percent of people, if you are at 20th percentile then 80 percent of people are heavier than you.  I am in the 2nd percentile.  Imagine this for a second.  I hurt all the time, it even hurts to lay on a comfy mattress if i have any textures or clothes on.  Anything that can press into my skin, causes pain.  I am bruised in many places because of this.  I cannot sit comfortably. I cannot sleep comfortably.  I cannot do anything without hurting myself at least a little.  I have gotten used to having cuts and bruises everywhere.  Also i am getting infections in some of the cuts because my immune system is failing. 

Im afraid of what my friends will say when they see me.  They haven't seen me in years and they dont realize how small I am right now.  I think it may horrify them. 

I have to deal with the fact that I want to leave my husband.  I realize i have made my decision and i plan to stick to it.  Right now at this point, my husband is in such a bad place that I dont want to go back to the divorce conversations.  We have had them out for months, and the only thing that made us feel close at all was when leelu died.  But despite the odd bonding over the loss of my kitten, i still felt so distant from him, and alone.  I did not feel like it mattered over all, and it didn't really change anything.  He seemed so desperate to reconnect with me, but I was a million miles away.

The pain of everything was unbearable and for awhile there I was drinking to avoid thinking about many things especially the fact that I have to be responsible for breaking his heart.

There is no way around breaking his heart and I cannot take responsibility for how he copes with his pain, it is not my responsibility to feel guilty, I must forgive myself for needing to live with out him. I must forgive myself for changing my mind about wanting to be with him forever.  I must accept that people change.  I must let go of the resentment because it doesn't help anything.  I must grow strong and independent so i can handle the separation.  I must embrace the truth of that with every ending is a new beginning.  This is terrifying to me, but I must accept that this is what I truly want because my heart has screamed my truth for so long and I am done ignoring it.

I do not have to settle, I do not have to accept living a life that makes me unhappy.  I am not obligated to stay with someone who i can no longer envision my future with.  I do not have to feel guilty and must forgive myself for deciding to do what is best for me.

This decision has been the hardest of my life, and i realize now that i have been giving up on my own life in an attempt to avoid what i perceived as the greatest possible pain.  But now I realize, I have been living the greatest possible pain, by living a lie. By trying to force what isn't natural for me, by sacrificing who I am to be with someone I am not compatible with because I thought I needed them.  I lived in so much pain, because in order to be with this person I had to silence my inner voice, and learn to believe the lies I was told about myself.  I let this person make me believe i was less capable than I was, i believed his convoluted perception of me was true, and because i didn't want to face the pain of leaving him, I stayed, because i hated myself, I stayed, because i didn't want to embrace life, I stayed.

Well now I want to embrace life, now I want to live well, and strong and happy and independent.  I picture my future, and i am able to live strong without anyone to help me stand on my own two feet.  I picture the future and I am free.  I am surrounded by people who love me for me.  I do not have anyone trying to drag me down into their quagmire of shit.  I am unaffected by those who chose to embrace negativity.

I am Deanna, the all new and ready Deanna, who will do whatever she sets her mind to.  No one will get in my way, and nothing will stop me.  I will show this world and myself what I am made of, I will take my happiness back. 

I will not waste any more time.  I will be so very fucking bold and strong and brave now. I have to end up telling my husband as soon as I am strong enough, and feel the time is appropriate, that i do not plan on moving back into this apartment once i am done with my in patient care.  This will be devastating for him.  I would talk to him now but he is not acting rational at all, and if i were to break it to him now, he wouldn't be able to proceed with his job hunting.  I hope for him to find a job and get used to being apart from me so that he can see how much better off he is when we are apart.  Then when i come out of inpatient having received therapy for codependency as well, i will be able and ready to tell him with finality that I do not want to be married to him.  Then i will have to file for divorce, bankruptcy and a name change.

Fun.

I am going to make my life my own again, and I will not let anyone hold me back from this anymore.  I wasted 10 years to many already...no fucking more.  My life is my own and im getting angry about how much time ive wasted, im going to use this anger to motivate me.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Things look promising.


 (Above listed are a few pics from the camping trip.  I used more energy than I should have while taking these pics but it was a lot of fun, and I only was modeling for about 15 minutes, granted that was more than enough to leave me heart racing, exhausted, and sore but it was so much fun and worth it in the end)

My intake assessment went pretty well.  I got approved for Magellan and now have a case manager.  I am needing to get to a doctor for an overall physical and to address my concerns about my heart palpitations.  I am then to wait for a call back from my case manager to confirm that I can set an appointment for my next assessment which will be by Magellan's preferred Eating disorder facility, then once they determine my overall condition, they will advise as to the next step.  Hopefully the next step will be going in patient, and most likely it will be approved with no problems.  Especially since I have been totally up front and honest about everything, and am very motivated to make any changes needed.

On a separate note, it has been very difficult dealing with my husband, and I do not handle our arguments very well.  I hope that I can get in patient soon so that I can get started healing and away from this hell.

I do feel a lot of support from some of my friends who have been there for me in a lot of ways.  I look forward to making all new friends also once I recover, and also look forward to reconnecting with old friends hopefully.

I am going to also get my GED and drivers license and learn to be independent so that I can start my life over when I get out.

My life looks like there is a lot more hope now, and I am starting to sharpen my focus on my goals, and am working so relentlessly to get help and get better.

I am still struggling with eating though because there is so much stress which is why it is so good that i will be getting out of this environment and away from the stresses from arguments and other shit.

I look so forward to getting started, please keep your fingers crossed for me that I get in patient soon so that I can get better.

Be Well
D

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Camping, kitten, and Intake Assessment and resignation

This weekend was pretty amazing.  My best friend Erin's birthday was this weekend.  We (herself, myself and several other friends) planned to go camping this weekend.  We did just that, and it was a lot of fun.  There was a lot of misadventures, but also it was very very cold at night, and uncomfortable for me because i am so skinny that laying on the ground even with padding hurts like hell. 

This last month i haven't been sleeping well at all.  This last two weeks I have been so stressed out that i have been getting roughly 2 to 4 hours of sleep per night.

I had to resign from my job before leaving for this trip because I am trying to get inpatient care.  I have public assistance now for insurance but its still a very long hard process.

I have to apply for another program called Magellan which will help me to get free care from a decent in patient facility for eating disorders.  I have an intake assessment tomorrow in the after noon.  They are going to evaluate my overall health and mental health, and see if they can get me pre approval for care at the facility.  There is only one facility in the area that can take me with out normal paid insurance.  Please cross your fingers for me because everything depends upon this now.

I haven't been doing well at all which is why my best friend wanted to make this trip amazing for me and she really did that. Of course she wanted to have an amazing time too but it was obvious she really wanted me to have fun.  I confessed to her that I was very suicidal and i had written out a plan to follow through.  I knew I would never admit it sober so i wrote it knowing that the first time i drank again I would show her my to do suicide list.  She sobbed and immediately began working with me to help me fight this harder.  After that i applied for access, and now I am trying to get in.  My marriage is on the rocks and has been for a while.  My sanity is on the rocks and beyond.

So the big fat fucking cherry on top of my FML sundae today was as follows:

After returning from this awesome weekend of camping albeit I haven't slept hardly at all and only had 30 minutes of sleep last night, I was quite happy.  We unpacked everything and my best friend got into her car and turned it on.   Immediately I began hearing the unmistakable sound of kittens crying out.  I kept telling everyone i thought that I heard kittens in the car, but no one believed me.  I finally said ok, and she got into the car.  I kept looking for the kittens but i couldn't see anything.  She began to back up and immediately i saw what is now traumatizing me and flashing through my mind over and over without any ability to stop it.

I saw two kittens fall out of the car from around the tire area, or where the fanbelt was, and as my friend was backing up she ran over one of the kittens.  It dragged its poor little broken body over to the next car as fast as it could, and its brother ran ahead of it.  I signaled for her to stop waving my hands in the air, she stopped, i ran screaming and crying hysterically upstairs and in very broken sobbing english tried to explain what I had seen.  I then ran into the bathroom and cried absolutely uncontrollably in the worst panic attack ever.  I couldn't stop wailing.  My friend zak came up and told me the the kitten was ok, but i knew he was wrong.  My friend kyle did the same trying to tell me the reason the cat was dragging its legs was that it was dehydrated but i knew that doesn't happen when cats get dehydrated, they still have full use of their limbs.  I also knew what I saw.  Then my husband opened the door and yelled "the kitten is ok, hes not bleeding hes not dead, stop overreacting, calm down and stop overreacting" He sounded very irritated.  Then my roomate matt knocked on the door and said "the kitten is fine, stop overreacting, dont ever scare me like that again" and slammed the door, but again i knew what i saw and it upset me even more that everyone was trying to tell me i was wrong.

I finally came outside and saw our neighbor who told me that the kitten was dying and that I should not come downstairs.  I was yelled at again by my roomate who told me i was wrong the kitten had died of dehydration.  It upset me so much I had to go ask someone who was actually there when the kitten died, if I was crazy or if the kitten had been run over.  My neighbor confirmed that yes the kitten was run over.

I cannot stop seeing this visual in my head.

On top of everything else, i had to watch a kitten die today.  Haven't I had enough death in my world lately?  First my grandmother last year, then my grandfather this year, then my baby kitten, then our other kitten, and now not even a full month later, I had to watch a kitten get run over before my eyes.  I love kittens more than anything else but now I do not think I will ever be able to hear a kitten mew again without wanting to cry.

I hope i get put inpatient right away because i feel anything but stable right now.

Be Well

D

Monday, May 30, 2011

More on Gaslighting Abuse

What is Gaslighting? The Extremes of Emotional Abuse By Jeanne Sparks-Carreker

Takeaways
Not all abuse involves being hit or being physically abused, but all abuse hurts.

Have you ever wondered if you are insane?

Emotional Abuse, in its extreme forms, can cause the victim insanity. Sometimes, this is the intended result of the abuser!

There is a type of pain a woman experiences when, after years of faithful marriage, she begins to witness changes in her husband that, when confronted, are then said to be the creation of the wife's imagination, a plot to hide her own actions, or the perception of a woman in need of psychiatric help.

To describe the pain endured by victims of emotional abuse with written words is like trying to explain what a person experiences when facing the realization of certain, impending death. It seems quite impossible. There are rips, tears, stabs & agonizing pain within her heart. Sometimes she panics, believing she is losing her soul mate forever.

Sometimes her husband may actually tell her that the suspicion, the digging around for answers, or the accusations involved in the panic are the actual things causing the couple to have distance in the first place.

If a man does this, he is using a manipulative, cruel technique known as Gaslighting.

Emotional abusers who partake in the horrific methods of Gaslighting have an agenda of which society may presently be unaware.

The term "Gaslighting" was introduced to the public in an old movie entitled "The Gas Light" (1940) & its remake of the same title (1944). In these movies, a woman who receives a large inheritance is courted by & marries a man who has a secret agenda. He intends to drive her crazy in order to obtain the hefty estate she has.

"Gaslighting" is so called due to the story unfolding with the husband routinely igniting the gas lamps in the loft of the house, which causes the other lamps in the house to dim. Upon question from the wife as to why the lamps were dimming, the good husband would tell her she was imagining things.

In the movie, it is obvious the man knew he was driving his wife insane. Sometimes, however, this is not the case where intention is concerned. Some emotional abusers do not realize they are Gaslighting.

Whether he intentionally chooses to actually drive his wife crazy or not, the statements & lack of concern a husband displays over them even after they cause pain are forms of emotional abuse. They are normally used to cover up actions for which he does not want his spouse/girlfriend to discover.

A husband or emotional abuser who is Gaslighting may have something like this to say:

**How could you believe I would ever have an affair with your best friend?!

**You must be preoccupied with an affair, yourself!

**You're just being suspicious!

**When you accuse me of things that I pride myself with always upholding, it makes me not want to be around you!

**That's what our distance & unhappiness is all about, right there! You are always thinking I'm having an affair!

**Your disbelief in me is what has come between us!

**If you could just believe in me, everything would be the way it was before.

In the above statements, it is undeniably clear that genuine love does not demand complete trust without inquiry, test, or proof. A healthy relationship produces spouses who are more than happy to comfort & prove the amount of love they hold for their partner until there is complete clarity on whatever subject for which the questioning party needs the explanation & reassurance.

I would be much more concerned with the pain my husband was feeling at the time than I would be with any offensiveness it may cause me over him having doubted my faithfulness. I would try everything within reason to make the uncertainty go away, while most likely blaming myself for having been too busy for him the week prior to that. I would not be overwhelmed with anger over the possibility that he may doubt my faithfulness to him.

Doubt happens, especially in a world where there is evil, hate & insecurity. As well, we live in a country where many channels on the television are trying to attract consumers to their wide range of products to create a perfect appearance. Although wise people know that they do not need to look like Pamela Anderson Lee or The Rock in order to be desirable, our society is obsessed with "Being Beautiful." When one adds to that the notion that affairs are tolerated & sometimes even encouraged (especially on the Internet at certain "we help you cover up your affair" sites) in our society, anyone, especially the one who adores & loves you, should understand why there is doubt at times.

When no sympathy or support for the hurt feelings are available, more times than not it is due to the Gaslighting abuser not wanting to empathize with their spouse/girlfriend because he would then have to take responsibility as having been the one who caused the hurt.

Gaslighting methods offer no solution to the problems between couples because only genuine love can comfort & understand, an intimacy that is a must in a relationship.

So when can you be sure someone is Gaslighting, whether voluntarily or involuntarily?

I believe the method we will be using here will help: by studying the reported actions & words of those who have tried Gaslighting techniques (for whatever reason), & then comparing those usually quite similar Gaslighting methods against solid, true proofs of intimacy in a healthy relationship.

My sincere hope is that you will not need the invaluable information below to sort out emotional abuse in the form of Gaslighting techniques juxtapose to love within your own relationship. Unfortunately, however, many people do.

Before we bring to light the different implementations of Gaslighting, we must first address a lingering, sometimes constantly thought upon (but absolutely always feared) question being asked within the minds of victims: am I insane?

You are not insane (that is a huge "not"). If you believe you may be a victim of emotional abuse, particularly the manipulative cruelty we now know as Gaslighting, please begin this paragraph once more before proceeding. When you are certain you can be open-minded & not believe another person's cruel "you need help, you are insane" monstrosities that have been damaging your spirit, mind & ego, & ability to rationalize between logic & "true love," please continue.

Gaslighting is more commonly facilitated in an attempt to hide any actions or truths a person does not want brought to light. More often than not, a person does not want their spouse to be driven insane simply because they want to cover up a fling with their secretary. Still, using manipulation & lies to hide truth is always damaging to a loved one because, though they know their spouses' usual behavior, likes, & dislikes, though they know their spouse has changed in some manner where the love relationship toward them is concerned.

They begin to question their very opinions & acquired wisdom through instinct that they had formerly collected about surviving in the world. They may even begin to reassess instinctual wisdom they had formerly relied upon throughout life, of which they need to leave alone & in which they need to continue to trust.

We all know that healthy relationships need two partners who are both willing to listen, understand, share what is inside them. They decide early on what is most important between them. Without true caring for the other person, one cannot relate to the other in honest sympathy or heart-felt sincerity. Gaslighting, however, would involve a denial of these things. When an abuser refuses to listen, appears to misunderstand what he is completely capable of understanding, or declines sharing his emotions, he is "withholding" a part of the essential intimate actions of the relationship. (When a partner really does not understand the other, then at least the intent to understand & compromise should be there, with perhaps a request for the partner to help them understand somehow.)

But when Gaslighting is the main technique & "withholding" is the tool, the abuser feigns confusion or a lack of understanding. A victim may be met with defiant, even accusatory words like:

**I don't know!

**How do you expect me to remember that when I cannot remember this morning! (This & variations of this are familiar phrases for Gaslighting abusers who are using drugs or alcohol.)

**I'm not listening to this confusing crap again tonight.

**You're just trying to confuse me!

When Gaslighting, the abuser will emphatically call into question the memory, thoughts, & ideas of his victim, & even further use that at a later date as a new "countering" point to make:

Think about when you didn't remember things correctly last time!

You thought the same thing the last time & you were wrong.

This is declared even though the victim did remember things correctly, & even despite the fact that he knows she did (except in cases of extreme self-denial in the Gaslighting abuser). Even if it seems the cruelty cannot become worse, the abuser has been effectively "countering" by throwing the victim off the feared subject matter at the time, getting her to instead mull over why in the world her husband would decide for her what her memory should have been instead, & then even declare another circumstance as a relapse of memory confusion.

This is where the real struggle within her starts: if she hasn't already started questioning her own opinions & ideas about life before this method, she will at this point. When constantly told that her memory, experience, feeling & instinct is emphatically wrong, chances are, she will eventually start to believe him, if not only to keep peace within what seems like a relationship of love.

**You're jumping to conclusions.

**You see everything in the most negative way!

**You're always nagging me about something all the time.

**You're making things up in your head or blowing things out of proportion.

**Your imagination is working overtime.

**You have an overactive imagination.

**You take everything wrong.

**You see everything wrong.

**You have never believed in me, then!

**You probably never believed in me when we took our vows!

You heard that through a closed door! You cannot hear things correctly through a closed door! You should have come right up in the middle of us if you thought we were saying that! (Though he knows that had she been there, the conversation would not have been the same.)

Normally, the victim is never entirely clear what the abuser's intentions are. Since the abuser responds quickly with anger, the victim starts to believe she may have "taken it all wrong," which is why she was quickly met with his anger, much like the role of a daughter & father (i.e. if he's that angry, I must be wrong.)

After all, isn't believing that better for the victim than believing he intended to make you lie to yourself?

"Blocking" & "diverting" is a method of Gaslighting whereby communication is controlled & manipulated. The abuser refuses to comment or answer (because he has already stated "I'm not going through this again tonight") & closes the discussion on things he "has already discussed."

Also, when withholding information, the Gaslighting abuser prevents all possibility of coming to a fair resolution, or in giving comforting knowledge to his spouse/girlfriend.

By "diverting," the Gaslighting abuser changes the subject, & even accuses her of accusing him wrongly or in the wrong manner in which one is supposed to accuse. He may continue into the lie of how her absolute gaul in accusing him is actually the growing problem between them. Gaslighting in this manner effectively dodges any resolute answer, much less shows a healthy concern for her feelings.

The abuser diverts her attempts to gain clarity or sympathy, & "diverts" her from the actual subject by getting her to forget the topic at hand using irrelevant declarations in order to side-track her:

**You're just trying to have the last word.

**You think you know it all.

**You always have to be right.

**Where did you get a crazy/stupid/weird/dumb idea like that?

**No. Stop, before you say another word,let me say this...

**I shouldn't have to repeat myself.

**Whatever! (sarcastically).

**I don't see where this is going.

**That's just crap.

**Quit bitching.

A Gaslighting abuser often accuses his partner of having done something wrong (to justify his actions or to give misleading ideas as to why he treated her a certain way when she questioned him).

Healthy partners do not want to see their spouse feeling bad or hurt, & instead desires to comfort or heal their pain.

Alternatively, the goal of abusive accusations is to blame the partner for her anger, irritation, or insecurity, thereby proving the anger/abuse she is enduring is justified because she is at fault or in the wrong for the way she accused or reacted to something he did.

**You're just trying to pick a fight.

**You're looking for trouble.

**You're not the woman I thought I married.

**You're attacking me.

**You can't leave well enough alone.

**I've had it with your attacks/bitching/complaining.

"Trivializing" is confusing to her because, if she doesn't recognize Gaslighting by "trivializing" for what it is, she believes she somehow hasn't been able to explain to her mate just how important certain things are to her.

"Trivializing" can be very subtle, so that the partner is left feeling depressed & frustrated but isn't quite sure why.

**That isn't important to us.

**You're going to let something like that come between us?

Abusive "forgetting" is also a method of Gas Lighting.

The abuser conveniently forgets anything pertaining to what the victim has needed closure on. We all forget things sometimes; but this is not genuine oblivion; it's denial that an event (interactions, usually) happened at all.

These forgotten events usually have had great impact on a partner.

Victims of Gaslighting often try to discuss incidents with their abuser to help resolve issues sometimes only in the hopes of avoiding the same hurt, explosion, or confusion in the future, though he will still deny it ever happened, with an accusatory comment like:

**What are you talking about?

**That never happened!

**It wasn't me!

**They've confused me with someone else!

**I've never been there before/known that person before/talked to her before/called that number before!

**I don't have to listen to you about something I didn't do!

Some abusers consistently "forget" making the promises which are most important to their partner, thereby causing her more pain & confusion.

Whether the Gaslighting abuser intends on the lies or not, the result is still the same, leaving the victim in emotional peril.

Finally, the Gas Lighting abuser will also use plain old "denial." The victim is forced to ask herself if she should even try anything as a next step because he listened to her logical, understandable, completely answerable question & simply said

"Nope. Not me. Didn't do it."

The Gaslighting victim is also left to deal with the fact he knowingly denied this, & what else could possibly be unknown to her.

Overall, the victim starts to realize she needs to be careful when relying on her own perceptions of life. Sometimes clarity will filter through the hogwash of her abuser & she feels she may need to stop having sex with him, as a protective means to herself; but sexual moments usually become the only time she is given his attention & what was "love" at one time. It is hard for the victim to let go of, & usually is prompted by the victim simply to have a familiar moment with her "soul mate."

Eventually a Gaslighting abuser wins the ultimate war, the final argument, when she begins to collapse mentally & emotionally. The worst Gaslighting abusers will then mock her, humiliate her by sharing her "wrongdoings" (of searching for a solution) with their mutual friends, hoping to get a response of "I wouldn't listen to all that nagging, Man," from them. Perhaps it better eases his conscious to have others tell him it is all her, or that she's just a bitch, or just a nag.

Hell, she's not worth the effort it takes him to keep on living with her!

**I never said that!

**You're making that up!

**I never told them anything!

**You've got to be crazy!

Though she knows she heard it correctly, has endured the looks on her friend's faces, has been asked strange questions of which she was only able to give a confused look over as the shock riveted through her already weak mind.

If you are a victim of Gaslighting, hang in there. Recognizing that it is emotional abuse is a very big step. Trust your "gut instincts." They have been entrusted by folks since Adam & Eve, & I just don't think it is credible that you could be the only person without credible, solid instincts.

Are you being "Gaslighted"

http://www.enotalone.com/article/16908.html

Are You Being Gaslighted?
Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.
Your boss backed you on a project when you met privately in his office, and you went full steam ahead. But at a large gathering of staff - including yours - he suddenly changes his tune and publicly criticizes your poor judgment. When you tell him your concerns for how this will affect your authority, he tells you that the project was ill-conceived and you'll have to be more careful in the future. You begin to question your competence.
Your mother belittles your clothes, your job, your friends, and your boyfriend. But instead of fighting back as your friends encourage you to do, you tell them that your mother is often right and that a mature person should be able to take a little criticism.
If you think things like this can't happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn't and to believe the unbelieveable. It can happen to you and it probably already has.
How do we know? If you consider answering "yes" to even one of the following questions, you've probably been gaslighted:
Does your opinion of yourself change according to approval or disapproval from your spouse?
When your boss praises you, do you feel as if you could conquer the world?
Do you dread having small things go wrong at home - buying the wrong brand of toothpaste, not having dinner ready on time, a mistaken appointment written on the calendar?
Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. That's because it plays into one of our worst fears - of being abandoned - and many of our deepest needs: to be understood, appreciated, and loved. In this groundbreaking guide, the prominent therapist Dr. Robin Stern shows how the Gaslight Effect works and tells you how to:
Turn up your Gaslight Radar, so you know when a relationship is headed for trouble
Determine whether you are enabling a gaslighter
Recognize the Three Stages of Gaslighting: Disbelief, Defense, and Depression
Refuse to be gaslighted by using the Five Rules for Turning Off the Gas
Develop your own "Gaslight Barometer" so you can decide which relationships can be saved -and which you have to walk away from
Learn how to Gasproof Your Life so that you'll never again choose another gaslighting relationship.

Chapter 1
Katie is a friendly, upbeat person who walks down the street with a smile for everyone. Her job as a sales rep means that she's often talking to new people, which she loves. An attractive woman in her late twenties, she went through a long period of dating before she finally settled on her current boyfriend, Brian.
Brian can be sweet, protective, and considerate, but he's also an anxious, fearful guy who treats every new person with suspicion. When the two of them go on a walk together, Katie is outgoing and talkative, easily falling into conversation with the man who stops to ask directions or the woman whose dog cuts across their path. Brian, though, is full of criticism. Can't she see how people are laughing at her? She thinks they like these casual conversations, but they're actually rolling their eyes and wondering why she's so chatty. And that man who asked them for directions? He was only trying to seduce her - she should have seen how he leered at her the moment her back was turned. Besides, behaving in such a manner is highly disrespectful to him, her boyfriend. How does she think it makes him feel to see her making eyes at every guy she passes?
At first, Katie laughs off her boyfriend's complaints. She's been like this all her life, she tells him, and she enjoys being friendly. But after weeks of relentless criticism, she starts to doubt herself. Maybe people are laughing and leering at her. Maybe she is being flirtatious and rubbing her boyfriend's nose in it - what a terrible way to treat the man who loves her!
Eventually, when Katie walks down the street, she can't decide how to behave. She doesn't want to give up her warm and friendly approach to the world - but now, whenever she smiles at a stranger, she can't help imagining what Brian would think.
LIZ is a top-level executive in a major advertising firm. A stylish woman in her late forties with a solid, twenty-year marriage and no children, she's worked hard to get where she is, pouring all her extra energy into her career. Now she seems to be on the verge of reaching her goal, in line to take over the company's New York office.
Then, at the last minute, someone else is brought in to take the job. Liz swallows her pride and offers to give him all the help she can. At first, the new boss seems charming and appreciative. But soon Liz starts to notice that she's being left out of important decisions and not invited to major meetings. She hears rumors that clients are being told she doesn't want to work with them anymore and has recommended that they speak to her new boss instead. When she complains to her colleagues, they look at her in bewilderment. "But he always praises you to the skies," they insist. "Why would he say such nice things if he was out to get you?"
Finally, Liz confronts her boss, who has a plausible explanation for every incident. "Look," he says kindly at the end of the meeting. "I think you're being way too sensitive about all this - maybe even a little paranoid. Would you like a few days off to destress?"
Liz feels completely disabled. She knows she's being sabotaged - but why is she the only one who thinks so?
MITCHELL is a grad student in his mid-twenties who's studying to become an electrical engineer. Tall, gangly, and somewhat shy, he's taken a long time to find the right woman, but he's just begun dating someone he really likes. One day, his girlfriend mildly points out that Mitchell still dresses like a little boy. Mitchell is mortified, but he sees what she means. Off he goes to a local department store, where he asks the personal shopper to help him choose an entire wardrobe. The clothes make him feel like a new man - sophisticated, attractive - and he enjoys the appreciative glances women give him on the bus ride home.
But when he wears the new clothes to Sunday dinner at his parents' home, his mother bursts out laughing. "Oh, Mitchell, that outfit is all wrong for you - you look ridiculous," she says. "Please, dear, the next time you go shopping, let me help you." When Mitchell feels hurt and asks his mother to apologize, she shakes her head sadly. "I was only trying to help," she says. "And I'd like an apology from you for that tone of voice."
Mitchell is confused. He liked his new clothes - but maybe he does look ridiculous. And has he really been rude to his mother?

Katie, Liz, and Mitchell have one thing in common: they're all suffering from the Gaslight Effect. The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval. Gaslighters and gaslightees can be of either gender, and gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship. But I'm going to call gaslighters "he" and gaslightees "she," since that's the pairing I most often see in my practice. I'll explore a variety of relationships - with friends, family, bosses, and colleagues - but the male-female romantic pairing will be my major focus.
For example, Katie's gaslighting boyfriend insists that the world is a dangerous place and that Katie's behavior is inappropriate and insensitive. When he feels stressed or threatened, he has to be right about these issues, and he has to get Katie to agree that he is. Katie values the relationship and doesn't want to lose Brian, so she starts to see things from his point of view. Maybe the people they meet are laughing at her. Maybe she is being flirtatious. Gaslighting has begun.
Likewise, Liz's boss insists that he really cares about her and that any concerns she has are because she's paranoid. Liz wants her boss to think well of her - after all, her career is at stake - so she starts to doubt her own perceptions and tries to adopt his. But her boss's view of things really doesn't make sense to Liz. If he's not trying to sabotage her, why is she missing all those meetings? Why are her clients failing to return her calls? Why is she feeling so worried and confused? Liz is so trusting that she just can't believe anyone could be as blatantly manipulative as her boss seems to be; she has to be doing something that warrants his terrible treatment. Wishing desperately for her boss to be right, but knowing deep down that he isn't, makes Liz feels completely disoriented, no longer sure of what she sees or what she knows. Her gaslighting is in full swing.
Mitchell's mother insists that she's entitled to say anything she wants to her son and that he is being rude if he objects. Mitchell would like to see his mother as a good, loving person, not as someone who says mean things to him. So when she hurts his feelings, he blames himself, not her. Both Mitchell and his mother agree: the mother is right, and Mitchell is wrong. Together, they are creating the Gaslight Effect.
Of course, Katie, Liz, and Mitchell all have other choices. Katie might ignore her boyfriend's negative remarks, ask him to stop making them, or as a last resort, break up with him. Liz could say to herself, "Wow, this new boss is a piece of work. Well; maybe that smarmy charm has fooled everyone else in this company - but not me!" Mitchell might reply calmly, "Sorry, Mom, but you're the one who owes me an apology." All of them could decide that, on some basic level, they are willing to live with their gaslighters' disapproval. They know they are good, capable, lovable people, and that's all that matters.
If our three gaslightees were able to take this attitude, there would be no gaslighting. Maybe their gaslighters would still behave badly, but their behavior would no longer have such a pernicious effect. Gaslighting works only when you believe what the gaslighter says and need him to think well of you.
The problem is, gaslighting is insidious. It plays on our worst fears, our most anxious thoughts, our deepest wishes to be understood, appreciated, and loved. When someone we trust, respect, or love speaks with great certainty - especially if there's a grain of truth in his words, or if he's hit on one of our pet anxieties - it can be very difficult not to believe him. And when we idealize the gaslighter - when we want to see him as the love of our life, an admirable boss, or a wonderful parent - then we have even more difficulty sticking to our own sense of reality. Our gaslighter needs to be right, we need to win his approval, and so the gaslighting goes on.
Of course, neither of you may be aware of what's really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he's only saving you from yourself. Remember: He's being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.
Meanwhile, you have idealized your gaslighter and are desperate for his approval, although you may not consciously realize this. But if there's even a little piece of you that thinks you're not good enough by yourself - if even a small part of you feels you need your gaslighter's love or approval to be whole - then you are susceptible to gaslighting. And a gaslighter will take advantage of that vulnerability to make you doubt yourself, over and over again.

Turn Up Your Gaslight Radar. Check for These Twenty Telltale Signs
Gaslighting may not involve all of these experiences or feelings, but if you recognize yourself in any of them, give it extra attention.
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
5. You wonder frequently if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
6. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
7. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what he would like instead of what would make you feel great.
8. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
9. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
10. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. You have trouble making simple decisions.
13. You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation.
14. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.
15. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
16. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don't have to tell him things you're afraid might upset him.
17. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
18. Your kids begin trying to protect you from your partner.
19. You find yourself furious with people you've always gotten along with before.
20. You feel hopeless and joyless.
How I Discovered the Gaslight Effect
I've been a therapist in private practice for the past twenty years, as well as a teacher, leadership coach, consultant, and fellow at the Woodhull Institute for Ethical Leadership, where I help develop and facilitate trainings for women of all ages. In all these domains, I constantly encounter women who are strong, smart, successful. Yet I kept hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive, and bewildering relationships. Although the woman's friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent - a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.
There was something sickeningly familiar about these stories, and gradually I realized that not only was I hearing them professionally but they also mirrored experiences my friends and I had had. In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss, or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused, and deeply depressed. These relationships were all the more striking because in other domains the women seemed so strong and together. But there was always that one special person - loved one, boss, or relative - whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally, I was able to give this painful condition a name: the Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight.
This classic 1944 film is the story of Paula, a young, vulnerable singer (played by Ingrid Bergman) who marries Gregory, a charismatic, mysterious older man (played by Charles Boyer). Unbeknownst to Paula, her beloved husband is trying to drive her insane in order to take over her inheritance. He continually tells her she is ill and fragile, rearranges household items and then accuses her of doing so, and most deviously of all, manipulates the gas so that she sees the lights dim for no apparent reason. Under the spell of her husband's diabolical scheme, Paula starts to believe that she is going mad. Confused and scared, she begins to act hysterical, actually becoming the fragile, disoriented person that he keeps telling her she is. In a vicious downward spiral, the more she doubts herself, the more confused and hysterical she becomes. She is desperate for her husband to approve of her and to tell her he loves her, but he keeps refusing to do so, insisting that she is insane. Her return to sanity and self-assertion comes only when a police inspector reassures her that he, too, sees the dimming of the light.
As Gaslight makes clear, a gaslighting relationship always involves two people. Gregory needs to seduce Paula to make himself feel powerful and in control. But Paula is also eager to be seduced. She has idealized this strong, handsome man, and she desperately wants to believe that he'll cherish and protect her. When he starts behaving badly, she's reluctant to blame him for it or to see him differently; she'd rather preserve her romantic image of the perfect husband. Her insecurity about herself and her idealization of him offer the perfect opening for his manipulation.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

It has begun. My path to recovery I hope.

non stop anxiety attacks.  I have been having a great deal of trouble sleeping.  I am haunted by so many thoughts.  I cannot face what I need to face.  I have something very difficult to deal with and with everything i have been through I just dont know if i have the strength.  My appetite is suffering which is really really bad considering how little I eat already.  I have been feeling nauseous from all of the anxiety.  Nothing seems to work to help calm me down any more, my heart is constantly pounding and i am always in a state of panic. I wake out of sleep with panic attacks full blast butterflies in stomach heart racing feeling like someone put a gun to my head etc. Imagine waking up feeling like that with tears streaming down your face, and you can imagine what its like to be me for a moment.

Please hope for my sake I can get through this somehow.  I have reached out to my closest friend, and she is helping me and talking to me so I have someone to open up to now.  Its very scary though. I need to get better so I can decide what I want to do with my life now.

Good news is that I got approved for Access, which is basically government provided health care, plus i got approved for the nutrition assistance program.  This is amazing for me because now I will have 200 dollars worth of food each month and insurance to get help FINALLY.

My life is in such upheaval and it is not safe for me emotionally or mentally where I am living now.  My goal is to get into an inpatient program, then sadly I may have to face a very very scary change, even scarier than the process of recovery itself.

I need strength and support to do this but it has begun.

D

Thursday, May 19, 2011

One Black Coal


this hole
is gaping
there is no
escaping
the truth
decapitating me
it takes my head right off

this ache
you are breaking me
my conscience
forsaking
my cup which runneth over
you greedily quaff

and with this madness
I am becoming
some kind of calloused thing
 without a soul
yes, all my sadness
is now overrunning
as I am "big-gunning"
and out of control

This shell which now you see-
is used only decoratively
for it is ever so empty
just as my hands, which longingly
search in the dirt so desperately 
for the gorgon eye that you stole from me,
then traded back for one black coal

So look not upon me
lest you turn to stone
for you may be lonely
but I am alone.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Another loss in under a month. R.I.P Cyrene

I am destroyed.  My husband is also. 

Our second youngest cat Cyrene was 5.  She contracted Leukemia from Leelu.  We didn't know she had it because we thought she was grieving leelu but she took a sudden turn for the worst, stopped eating, and went into liver failure. The night before we had her put to sleep, her ears turned yellow, so the next morning when we woke up her ears were yellow. 

We had to take her in Yesterday.

Pixie my oldest cat is all alone now in a new home, where it is loud and where I am almost always sad.

Cyrene was full of so much life, and love.  I will never forget her and at this point dont know how to even process how i am feeling.





Saturday, April 30, 2011

Cut off

Well I have been cut off from alcohol by my roomate who says if i continue to drink as I have, that I will be kicked out, my husband will be allowed to stay but I will have to go. I guess I will have to stop for now.  Its not that im a bad drunk, its just that i drink so excessively that I give my self alcohol poisoning and end up sleeping in the shower which apparently scares everyone.  This I think is a bit stupid but oh well.  I understand not wanting me to get alcohol poisoning but who cares if i wanna sleep it off in the shower.

I am 29 and can always buy my own alcohol however if i am caught drinking excessively or if i miss work because of drinking i will be out on my ass. Its not really worth it.

Well if that happened at least it would be easier to let go of everything and finally commit to my self destruction.

I will just do the right thing and stop drinking but my anxiety and depression is so out of control i dont know how to handle anything sober right now.  I just hate the way I feel so much I cant stand it. Ive never hurt so much in my life.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Update Sorry may be sad.

I drink,
Alot.

I really do mean a lot.

I try to eat, and don't ever eat enough. But I try.

I dont know what will happen.  My husband doesn't have a job and i work three days a week.  Nothing is certain.

Nothing in my future holds any real hope.  I am lost.  Please just let me wake up from this nightmare.

I miss Leelu so much it hurts beyond words.  I just want to hold her again and go to sleep listening to her sweet purr.

My other cats are sick too now.  Cyrene is lethargic, eyes rolling into the back of her head, wont eat, hardly drinks, and we cannot afford to take her to the vet.  I drink to forget because there is nothing i can do, and her sickness just reminds me of Leelu, and my entire failure of a life.  Im living with a friend.  My husband and I will be sharing a room with a third person soon.

I want to die.  Sorry that is the truth.  I sincerely hope i die of alcohol poisoning or a heart attack.  I cannot bear the pain anymore. 


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Getting Evicted.

Well the shit has hit the fan.

Were being forced to leave our apartment on a moments notice.  We have crumpled under the strain of all the stress.  We will have to share a bedroom with a girl, in a two bedroom apartment, so there will actually be four of us and three cats. 

This will be a very difficult situation and on top of everything it is really just the straw that broke the camels back.

On top of that either one or both of us may end up unemployed because of all the missed work.

I just hope somehow we come out of this on top. At least we will be saving money for rent and such.

Be Well

Monday, April 18, 2011

Purring Angel on my Shoulder

Sleep my forever friend
whose fluffy tail haunts me well
whose kitty kisses I may always feel
I know you are gone but I reach for you still
I never loved anything so completely
you were everything to me-you healed my heart so sweetly
you were the one joy which made my heart soar
with you, I couldn't possibly have asked for more
I gave you as much love as you gave to me
and I must admit I will never accept freely
that I had to let you go
too sudden this horrific show
a constellation of symptoms which let me know
that my sweet baby was suffering-
and I couldn't let you suffer, so-
I gave you back to heaven
where you came from originally
this angel on my shoulder- in kitty years was only eleven
yet for six months, she brought heaven down to me.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

R.I.P Leelu Dallas Multipass aka "Little Bite"

This morning around 9 am, Leelu was freed from her suffering, and passed into the next world peaceful, purring, and knowing her mommy and daddy love her so much.

My husband and I are beyond words with grief.

I will always love you Leelu.





Goodbye my beautiful Leelu, My best friend. I will never forget you nor be the same without you.




My beautiful sweet amazing kitty, was diagnosed with feline leukemia and will be euthanized tomorrow.  I am besides myself with grief.  I will never be the same.  I love you so much Leelu, and im just glad I got to give you 4 months of love.  I wish I had known that you were sick the whole time, but I cannot control that I was told you were totally healthy when I got you.  That wasn't true, but it does take 6 weeks for Leukemia to show on tests, and vaccines can fail in sickly or very young kittens.

My heart is broken.
I am done.