Camping, kitten, and Intake Assessment and resignation

This weekend was pretty amazing.  My best friend Erin's birthday was this weekend.  We (herself, myself and several other friends) planned to go camping this weekend.  We did just that, and it was a lot of fun.  There was a lot of misadventures, but also it was very very cold at night, and uncomfortable for me because i am so skinny that laying on the ground even with padding hurts like hell. 

This last month i haven't been sleeping well at all.  This last two weeks I have been so stressed out that i have been getting roughly 2 to 4 hours of sleep per night.

I had to resign from my job before leaving for this trip because I am trying to get inpatient care.  I have public assistance now for insurance but its still a very long hard process.

I have to apply for another program called Magellan which will help me to get free care from a decent in patient facility for eating disorders.  I have an intake assessment tomorrow in the after noon.  They are going to evaluate my overall health and mental health, and see if they can get me pre approval for care at the facility.  There is only one facility in the area that can take me with out normal paid insurance.  Please cross your fingers for me because everything depends upon this now.

I haven't been doing well at all which is why my best friend wanted to make this trip amazing for me and she really did that. Of course she wanted to have an amazing time too but it was obvious she really wanted me to have fun.  I confessed to her that I was very suicidal and i had written out a plan to follow through.  I knew I would never admit it sober so i wrote it knowing that the first time i drank again I would show her my to do suicide list.  She sobbed and immediately began working with me to help me fight this harder.  After that i applied for access, and now I am trying to get in.  My marriage is on the rocks and has been for a while.  My sanity is on the rocks and beyond.

So the big fat fucking cherry on top of my FML sundae today was as follows:

After returning from this awesome weekend of camping albeit I haven't slept hardly at all and only had 30 minutes of sleep last night, I was quite happy.  We unpacked everything and my best friend got into her car and turned it on.   Immediately I began hearing the unmistakable sound of kittens crying out.  I kept telling everyone i thought that I heard kittens in the car, but no one believed me.  I finally said ok, and she got into the car.  I kept looking for the kittens but i couldn't see anything.  She began to back up and immediately i saw what is now traumatizing me and flashing through my mind over and over without any ability to stop it.

I saw two kittens fall out of the car from around the tire area, or where the fanbelt was, and as my friend was backing up she ran over one of the kittens.  It dragged its poor little broken body over to the next car as fast as it could, and its brother ran ahead of it.  I signaled for her to stop waving my hands in the air, she stopped, i ran screaming and crying hysterically upstairs and in very broken sobbing english tried to explain what I had seen.  I then ran into the bathroom and cried absolutely uncontrollably in the worst panic attack ever.  I couldn't stop wailing.  My friend zak came up and told me the the kitten was ok, but i knew he was wrong.  My friend kyle did the same trying to tell me the reason the cat was dragging its legs was that it was dehydrated but i knew that doesn't happen when cats get dehydrated, they still have full use of their limbs.  I also knew what I saw.  Then my husband opened the door and yelled "the kitten is ok, hes not bleeding hes not dead, stop overreacting, calm down and stop overreacting" He sounded very irritated.  Then my roomate matt knocked on the door and said "the kitten is fine, stop overreacting, dont ever scare me like that again" and slammed the door, but again i knew what i saw and it upset me even more that everyone was trying to tell me i was wrong.

I finally came outside and saw our neighbor who told me that the kitten was dying and that I should not come downstairs.  I was yelled at again by my roomate who told me i was wrong the kitten had died of dehydration.  It upset me so much I had to go ask someone who was actually there when the kitten died, if I was crazy or if the kitten had been run over.  My neighbor confirmed that yes the kitten was run over.

I cannot stop seeing this visual in my head.

On top of everything else, i had to watch a kitten die today.  Haven't I had enough death in my world lately?  First my grandmother last year, then my grandfather this year, then my baby kitten, then our other kitten, and now not even a full month later, I had to watch a kitten get run over before my eyes.  I love kittens more than anything else but now I do not think I will ever be able to hear a kitten mew again without wanting to cry.

I hope i get put inpatient right away because i feel anything but stable right now.

Be Well

D