It has begun. My path to recovery I hope.

non stop anxiety attacks.  I have been having a great deal of trouble sleeping.  I am haunted by so many thoughts.  I cannot face what I need to face.  I have something very difficult to deal with and with everything i have been through I just dont know if i have the strength.  My appetite is suffering which is really really bad considering how little I eat already.  I have been feeling nauseous from all of the anxiety.  Nothing seems to work to help calm me down any more, my heart is constantly pounding and i am always in a state of panic. I wake out of sleep with panic attacks full blast butterflies in stomach heart racing feeling like someone put a gun to my head etc. Imagine waking up feeling like that with tears streaming down your face, and you can imagine what its like to be me for a moment.

Please hope for my sake I can get through this somehow.  I have reached out to my closest friend, and she is helping me and talking to me so I have someone to open up to now.  Its very scary though. I need to get better so I can decide what I want to do with my life now.

Good news is that I got approved for Access, which is basically government provided health care, plus i got approved for the nutrition assistance program.  This is amazing for me because now I will have 200 dollars worth of food each month and insurance to get help FINALLY.

My life is in such upheaval and it is not safe for me emotionally or mentally where I am living now.  My goal is to get into an inpatient program, then sadly I may have to face a very very scary change, even scarier than the process of recovery itself.

I need strength and support to do this but it has begun.

D